Apologies
by Akina Kimura
Summary: Mello has been acting stranger than usual, so Matt tries to confront him about it - what will happen? Rated for light yaoi and Mello's bad mouth.


I was worried about Mello. Every day, he seemed to be growing even more and more irritated over something he never had the aspiration to inform me about. I mean, he was generally not a very easygoing individual to begin with, but now he'd taken it to a whole new level. If I knew Mello at all, which I did, my best guess would be that Near had once again found out how to work his way underneath the vexed leather-clad mafia boss's skin.

I tried to break down this resilient metaphorical wall that he's been building up within his mind over the many years we've known each other, but it's quite an impractical task no matter how you look at it. Each time I ask what's been disquieting him, he would either tell me it's nothing, or disregard my question entirely, leaving me in the dust, no less agitated than I already was. But what bothered me even more than the fact that he wouldn't tell me anything, was my own provocation; I hated being so clueless, especially when it came to Mello. I've known him since childhood, we were roommates back at Wammy's and ever since we left, we've been living in the same apartment; shouldn't I have a better grasp on what's going through his mind by now?

My covet for an explanation went further than merely annoyance and anxiety; it was just a little more complicated than that. Now, instead of beating around the bush, I'll just come right out and admit it: I'm in love with Mello. It took me _years_ to accept the fact that I had fallen for another guy, or maybe I just hadn't discerned it right away. I've never had any issues with gays at all; I guess I just didn't think I'd ever turn out to be one myself. Of course, I'd neither had the audacity nor the resolution to declare it to Mello himself; I had no clue how he would take it, and I didn't want to risk losing him as a friend. So that's really why I'm so concerned about him. Just like anyone, I want those that I love most to remain untroubled and at ease, so why does he have to make that so incredibly difficult for me?

I prudently made my way through our cluttered apartment, stepping over discarded chocolate wrappers and skirting the occasional deserted video game case or controller that I'd dropped at some point and all but forgotten about. Last time I'd seen Mello, he'd been sprawled out on the couch watching some crime movie that was probably long over by now. Once again, I was going to try and talk to him to see if I could finally force him into submission; I was determined to find out what was bothering him.

"Mello?" I called as I came up behind him. My voice sounded far too cagey and unstable for my liking; the tone was undoubtedly nothing more than a harbinger of the unsolicited and, for the most part, pointless talk that was about to commence. I was positive that Mello had noticed and already knew what was coming.

That worry was verified as I heard the exasperated sigh and grunt of annoyance from the other side of the couch; the only response that he felt necessary to offer me.

"Seriously, Mells. It's time to talk. You've been like this for weeks," I said, trying to keep my voice a little more sturdy this time. It worked, but it wouldn't matter for much longer; I knew I'd already managed to thoroughly piss him off.

"I don't have to talk," he quickly spat back, "and don't call me Mells."

I took in a deep breath and exhaled noisily. "You're stressing yourself out." When I reached him, I leaned over the couch, resting my elbows on the faded maroon fabric and giving him a pointed look. "It's not good for you."

His eyes shot daggers at me, and I couldn't help but cringe slightly at the abysmal look of infuriation he bestowed upon me. I could just _feel_ the menacing aura emanating off of him.

"So what?" he snorted back. "It's not like it's hurting you."

"But it _is_, Mello," I corrected him. "I'm not stupid. I know something's bothering you and whatever it is, it's obviously having quite an effect on you." My hand warily found its way to the top of his head and rested delicately on the soft blonde locks. "You're my best friend, and you know that. Of course this is going to make me feel a little…unsettled," I finished.

He abruptly swatted my hand away, folding his arms irritably over his chest. "I don't need your pity or your concern. I can work my problems out on my own."

I bit my lip, standing up straight and staring down at him as my calm demeanor started fading and began to grow more and more ireful. As much as I loved him, this boy could easily get on my nerves. "You _can't_ solve everything by yourself, Mello. This is proof enough for the both of us. It's been weeks; you're not going to feel any better until you relax or tell someone about it."

"You know I'm not the kind of person that goes around seeking for help. Why should I start now?" His voice seemed to be growing more and more incensed by the second; I knew he was coming close to losing his composure – or lack thereof.

"Come on." I left my place behind the couch and swiftly moved around it to sit beside Mello. "You can at least tell me what this is all about. I don't need any details."

"Fuck off," he shot back at me, his tone sharp and decisive.

I flinched slightly as the choleric demand pierced my eardrums, and almost left me in a state of utmost confusion. I've heard him get frustrated almost too many times to even count anymore, but I couldn't recall the last time he'd ever sworn at me out of anger; it wasn't necessarily because it hurt – I was just baffled.

"I'm not just going to walk away this time," I warned him, forcing my voice to stay steady and as stern as possible. "Unfortunately for you, you're gonna have to tell me to get me off your case."

"You don't have to know every little fucked up detail of my life. Just leave it alone, Matt." Simply by the sound of his voice, I could already tell that he would snap any minute and start going off on me. It's happened before. I knew when it was coming; I knew all the signs.

I don't know what suddenly came over me; my mouth moved before my brain even had time to process all of the comebacks coursing through my mind. "It's about Near, isn't it?"

Those five words; just those five simple words, seemed to light the final spark needed to set the fire ablaze behind the blonde boy's eyes. For a moment, we were frozen, our gazes remaining locked on each other's. I really wish I hadn't said that; now I needed to prepare myself for the oncoming storm that I could already feel rising up all around me. Mello was directly in the center of it all.

He brusquely shot up out of his seat, spinning back so he was looking at me dead-on once again. I swallowed hard as his fist closed around the front of my shirt and pulled me up off the couch, leaving me almost nose-to-nose with the enraged blonde. I could feel his hot breath hitting my chin with each furious exhalation, sending shivers down my spine that were caused by both fear, and an imminent sense of desire that I could hardly suppress.

"How many times have I told you never to mention the name of that riling little albino know-it-all?" he growled at me through clenched teeth, his narrowed eyes penetrating mine as dread began pulsing through my veins.

Instead of giving into my own trepidation, I foolishly decided to take it even further; maybe I could get him to speak. "So it is Near?" I asked, my voice strained. "What did he do to you this time?"

Mello shook me roughly. "Shut up!" he screamed at me as I clenched my eyes shut. "Just shut up! I have to deal with that little shit every single day, so I don't want to have to come back home and discuss him with you! _Drop it_!"

"Not until you tell me exactly what's going on!" I shouted back at him, reaching up and grasping his arm in a futile attempt to pull him off of me.

"Damn you! Why the fuck are you so persistent?" he screamed at me, shoving me back down onto the couch. I let out a short grunt of surprise as my back hit the fabric, then looked up at him through teary eyes; I didn't know when I had begun to cry, but now I couldn't stop it. Not that Mello even cared.

"I'm only worried about you! Why can't you just tell me what the hell he did?"

"It's not just one thing he did; it's everything! At Wammy's, he was always just one step ahead of me, and even now, I don't think I'll ever be able to surpass him! Every day of my fucking _life_, I've spent trying to outdo Near but that little fucker just won't ever back down!"

I just sat there, frozen to the spot as I listened to Mello rant. I've heard about Near from him several times before, but it's never been this bad; I wondered what he'd done that had suddenly set Mello off. But I guess Mello's just been a ticking time-bomb ever since he saw himself one ranking below Near on the charts back at Wammy's for the first time. Ever since that day, he's been set on becoming number one, and was bound to lose his patience one day. That day was today.

My ears were ringing and my heart was aching. I couldn't even begin to describe how much I hated seeing Mello like this; so frustrated, so angry and so hopelessly confused. Deep down, I knew that Mello deserved all of the credit that Near had; he's worked so hard for years just trying to surpass Near, but I just didn't see why it mattered so much to him. Life shouldn't all be one big competition; we're all alive just to try and enjoy our rather small time here on earth, not to throw it all away. That was what Mello was doing.

"Can I ever be number one?" I heard Mello shouting as I came back to reality. "Can I ever beat Near? I don't know if—"

Without thinking or even pausing a moment to regret my actions, I jumped up off the couch and grabbed the front of Mello's jacket in tight fists, crashing my lips to his.

The blonde gasped into my mouth and stiffened, taking a few shaky steps backward before stumbling into a wall, restricting his movements. Unsteadily, his hands rose to my shoulders, trying feebly to push me off, but I snatched them away and pinned his arms above his head as I moved closer. He moaned helplessly as he struggled uselessly to get away.

Slowly, I brought my knee between his legs and pressed myself even tighter against him as he released another strained grunt. Mello started shaking his head weakly, before managing to break free and shove me away.

He stared at me, his eyes presenting nothing but bewilderment and pure astonishment as he pressed himself further back against the wall, trying in vain to get further away from me. His hand covered his mouth. "…the fuck was that, Matt?" was his only reply.

I stared down at the floor, partially in shame and partially because I didn't want him to see the involuntary tears that had somehow managed to work their way down my pale cheeks. "Why am I so persistent, you asked?" I wiped my eyes with my sleeve. "Because I'm in love with you. I don't want you to think about Near all the time…you don't have to beat him, Mello. You already have in my book. You've always been my number one." As much as I wanted to look at him, I willed myself not to because I knew I wouldn't like his reaction. "I'm sorry," I told him as my voice began to crack; I couldn't hide my tears anymore. "I'm sorry I ever cared."

With that, I took off towards my bedroom, not even waiting for Mello to form a reply.

"Matt!" I heard a worried voice from behind me. "_Matt_! Come back!"

I could hear him pursuing me, his footsteps growing quicker and louder. Before he could get to me, I reached my door and threw myself inside, slamming it shut and locking it behind me. It hurt, running away from Mello after telling him something so important, but what else could I do?

Sobbing, I let myself slide down along the smooth wood and sit on the floor, burying my head in my hands as I let myself ponder over the events that had just taken place. Did I say the right thing? Or should I have just kept my mouth shut like I had been for years?

"Matt! Please open the door!"

I didn't move; there was no way I could get myself to confront him after that. If I already knew he was going to reject me, then what reason did I have to let him in so he could say it directly to my face? I'd rather have him tell me through this door so he wouldn't be able to see the blatant look of disappointment in my eyes.

"Please?" Mello begged, his voice suddenly sounding drained and miserable; I couldn't bear to hear him like that. Moments after, I felt him lean against the door and sink down to the floor as well. A desolate sigh drifted through the wood. Was Mello really that upset over this? I didn't understand how his mood could change so quickly; he'd been so indignant only a few minutes ago, so what was with this sudden change of mind?

"Matt," he said. "I'm sorry. Can you please come out of there?"

"No," I muttered weakly through my tears. "You've already said all I needed to hear." I was hardly able to speak, my voice nearly dying on my lips with each word and fading into the air, but I knew he'd heard me.

"I haven't. Will you please just come out and let me talk to you?"

"You can talk to me through this door."

Silence fell between the two of us, and each passing second just made it harder and harder for me to stay where I was; I wanted to give in to him, but I knew I would regret it. Especially now, I didn't want to be perceived as weak and irredeemable by Mello, even if I really was. I couldn't lead him to think that just because I have feelings for him, that I'll succumb to his every need and abide by his every word and command. That's why I couldn't open the door; I needed to hold my ground.

"Listen, Matt. I'm sorry. Really, I am. I know I'm not usually one to apologize, but when I do, I mean it," Mello told me. I couldn't even see his face, but I knew he was speaking the truth; it's really not hard to tell when he's just making things up, especially after I've known him for this long.

I decided to keep my mouth shut, just to see if he had anything else to say.

"I'm…I'm sorry for pushing you away…and for swearing at you. I shouldn't have been so harsh. I—"

Wiping my eyes with my sleeve, I shook my head to myself. "Stop," I said quietly, just loud enough for him to hear me. "I don't want you to keep apologizing to me; that's not what I'm looking for."

"Then what do you want?"

"I just hope that we can still be friends after that. I acted only upon my feelings for you, and I shouldn't have done that." Just remembering back to that kiss brought even more tears to my eyes. To me, it had just felt so right, and it would have been if Mello's heart was in the same place mine was. But, who am I kidding?

"Matt…" he said, his voice faltering. I heard him take a quick breath before he continued. "If that had seriously bothered me, then I wouldn't be sitting outside this door right now. I'm sor—I…shouldn't have pushed you off. I was just in shock, and with everything else going on, I just didn't know how to take it. But I—"

"It's okay," I said. "Just forget about it."

"I love you, too, Matt."

With those words, my body went completely stiff; my heartbeat escalating rapidly in my chest until I was sure it was going to burst. His words were echoing through my mind and coursing through my veins over and over again; but even if I heard him say it one hundred times more, I don't know if I could ever completely believe him, no matter how much I wanted to. I'd never thought Mello was capable of loving anything, to be honest…but he'd never lied about something so serious; at least not to me. Even if he meant it now, what if it was just a spur-of-the-moment thing?

I was still waiting for a, "just joking," or a "got'cha," but neither of those came.

"I know I've been being a complete jerk to you lately, and I honestly don't understand _why_ anymore. I'm…grateful for your concern and I should have treated you better. But…the way I've been acting towards you has nothing to do with _you_ personally. I really do love you." He laughed. "But I sure as hell have a fucked up way of showing it."

A small smile worked its way onto my face as my bottom lip started quivering again. Even now, I couldn't stop myself from crying; I felt like a total girl. This demeanor was much too aberrant for my own liking, and probably was far below the ethics of most other men out there. Actually, I think the fact that I'm in love with another guy was pretty far below the widely accepted standard as well, but who the hell cares? That's what Mello does to me.

"Could you please just come out of there? I've told you everything I've had to say. I'm running out of breath here."

Smiling, I finally left my place on the torn up carpet and stood, turning around to face the door. I grabbed the handle and turned it, slowly pulling it open and peeking out of the crack to see Mello crouching down with his head in his hands. When it opened, he jumped and looked up at me with wide eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said again, only moments before I let myself collapse to the ground in front of him and throw my arms around him as we both tumbled to the floor.

"Matt! What the—_gah_!" he exclaimed when his back hit the rough carpet. "Hey, now! I didn't give you permission to—"

I cut him off with a quick peck on the lips, then pulled my head back just enough to look into his eyes. I'd never gotten a good look at them before, so I hadn't ever realized exactly how beautiful they really were. Sighing, I let myself relax as I rested my head on his shoulder, reaching up and gently placing my hand against his cheek.

For a moment, neither of us spoke, until Mello decided to break the silence. "You know, just because I said that, it doesn't mean I'm gonna go soft on you."

"Mhm," I replied, already knowing fully well.

"And if you go soft on me, I'm kicking you out of this apartment."

I chuckled lightly, pushing myself off of him with my hands and hovering over him; my arms and legs on either side of his seemingly delicate frame. "I know that." _Now _this _is the Mello I know and love…_

For what seemed like hours, but what couldn't have been any longer than a few seconds, we just stared at each other and took everything in. I let my eyes roam over his features; his smooth, pale skin, obscured by the scar masking half of his face. He'd been so worried about it at first, but it made him no less beautiful to me. My gaze traced over his perfectly sculpted lips, slightly parted as his warm breath escaped and blew swiftly across my skin. I looked down further, my eyes traveling across his jaw, then descending further down his neck to rest on his collarbone.

Gently, I rested my hand on his chest, concealed by leather – rising and falling nearly imperceptibly as he breathed. His heart – beating just as quickly as mine – fell into sync with my own. With the same hand, I reached back up and lightly caressed his jaw, then cupped his cheek in my palm as I leaned in to lightly kiss his nose. My lips fell to his ear, and I planted a tender kiss to the soft skin directly below it, earning a faint gasp from Mello. My fingertips gently slid across his face to grip his chin and tilt his head up further. Delicately, I ran my thumb over lips, then stooped to capture his mouth in a soft kiss, before pulling back to look into his eyes once again.

After a moment, he sighed, reaching up and placing his hands on both of my cheeks. "Oh, come here…" he whispered, before pulling me down and molding his lips gently with mine once again.

The kiss was innocent – just closed lips against closed lips – but the feelings I received through the simple contact were almost beyond me. I pressed myself closer to him, never wanting to drift apart. As I lied here, chest to chest, lip to lip and heart to heart with the man I've been in love with for so many years, I realized I've never felt more of a sense of belonging in my entire life than I did in this moment. I've never felt so loved, and I was sure Mello hadn't either.

When we pulled apart, he gazed up at me again.

I had known we were bound to fall in love ever since the moment both of us had met at that orphanage. We were all each other had then, and we were all each other had now.

Slowly, I leant down and connected our lips once again for another blissful kiss.

Yes, wherever Mello was, that was where I wanted to be.

* * *

This is quite different from what I usually write, so I hope it turned out okay xD hm...maybe it was a little corny near the end, but I like it that way x3 PLEASE REVIEW! :D

~Akina-chan :3


End file.
